Trust: Earned or Given?
My take on an age-old question for modern times.
I recently snapped this picture of a Re/Max advertising campaign that confidently states "trust is earned." It resonates on some level and yet, the reality feels more complex and nuanced. How do they define trust? Is it always earned?
For example, when our son was born I joined a newborn mom's group. There we sat—exhausted mothers with dark circles under our eyes, cradling our fragile newborns. Despite being strangers, we shared an immediate intimacy through our common experience, creating a foundation of trust before we'd even exchanged words.
Similarly, attending social justice conferences over the years like PolicyLink’s Equity Summit and CHANGE Philanthropy's Unity Summit, I often feel an instant kinship with the other attendees- united by shared values and purpose.
While trust certainly requires proof of trustworthiness in many situations, in others, we extend a baseline of trust from the beginning. Sometimes trust emerges from intuition—that inexplicable 'vibe' that carries surprising weight.
My own relationship with trust has transformed over time. As a younger woman, I mostly extended trust freely until given reason not to— but I learned through some difficult lessons and betrayals that more discernment is required. I became more cautious, gauging my relationships before extending trust. It takes daily work to make sure I remain open to connection and allow space for relationships to unfold. This evolution reminds me that our trust “operating systems” aren't static but are always being shaped and re-shaped around our life experiences.
Cultural Perspectives
Our personal histories heavily influence our approach — past experiences of racism and/or other forms of discrimination might make someone require proof of personal and psychological safety first, while those who enjoy certain social privileges may feel more comfortable naturally trusting until given reason not to.
In Japanese culture people distinguish between "tatemae" (建前) or how one shows up in public and and "honne" (本音) or one’s true feelings and opinions (Honne translates to “true sound.”) Tatemae is often used to maintain social harmony, while honne is typically reserved for close relationships. This suggests that there are layers and context to how we give and receive trust in different environments.
Source: Centre of Excellence
In Native Hawaiian culture, there is a practice of ho'oponopono (or making things right) which reflects a community-based approach to trust and reconciliation. It assumes that conflict is inevitable and individual trust will need to be repaired, but there is inherent capacity for healing in community.
Ho'oponopono is a community system of repair for when trust is broken between two people. Rather than leaving individuals to rebuild relationships (or argue) privately, the community gathers to facilitate healing through confession, forgiveness, and restitution (here is a great, brief audio description by Kapi`olani Laronal). This practice assumes a given trust in the community's ability to restore harmony, even when interpersonal trust must be earned. Note: Ho'oponopono can also be applied as a meditation practice for forgiveness by using the mantra,
“I’m Sorry - Please Forgive Me - I Love You - Thank you.”.
We have different cultural frames for how we navigate the flow of trust, and the practice of repair. Understanding the different cultural perspectives on trust offers lots of lessons so more on this soon!
Beyond the Binary
The Re/Max billboard presents trust as binary and transactional—something earned through proven reliability. But human connection is richer and more nuanced. For most of us, trust operates as a dynamic combination of both approaches—sometimes given freely, sometimes deliberately earned. How we gauge whether to share the gift of trust is shaped by context and experience.
What the billboard misses is this beautiful complexity —how we constantly navigate the balance between vulnerability and protection, between offering trust as a catalyst for connection, and requiring it be earned as a form of self-care.
These times call for moving away from absolutes and shortcuts when it comes to relationships and repair. It requires appreciating the both/and. This approach is messier and more vulnerable, but it's essential for building durable relationships that can fuel revolutionary change.
How has your relationship with trust evolved over time? Can you identify moments when trust was freely given that led to meaningful connection? Or times when requiring trust be earned protected you from harm? How have your life experiences shaped your approach? Please share in the chat!
#trust #reciprocity #vulnerability #culture